Naming Shame

I recently attended a workshop on shame. As the participants explored processes around shame and how shame can be managed. I was left wondering what is the nature of shame and how do we, as therapists, work with issues around shame?

Questions occurred to me as to whether shame was a feeling, or a thinking process? Is it something that occurs only in relation to others or, do we do it on our own? Does shame have a purpose? If so, what is that purpose?

It appears to me that shame is developed through a relational process. This can be either in our relationships with others, or our relationship with our self. It is something we learn through our relationships - when we experience getting it wrong, for someone else. We may then shame ourselves in similar situations in the future. In these contexts, shame can be used as a way of controlling behaviour. Indeed shame at times is seen as a state that we may want another to experience - for instance when we say that someone "should be ashamed of themselves" or "shame on you". The practical value of shame can be seen in the example of Eskimo's laughing at their children when they walk on thin ice. Conversely feeling "no shame" is seen as un-desirous.

However, whilst shame might develop through relationships, our experience of shame is usually one that is highly personal and private. It can often involve a withdrawal of contact from others, whilst we brood on what is wrong with us. This indicates that shame is not just a feeling. Shame also involves a bodily experience - a fantasy of what might happen, a cognitive process concerning replaying similar experiences, and a justification of existing negative beliefs. All of which can be experienced as being central to who we are.

As there will always be times when we will experience ourselves getting things wrong, to a greater or lesser degree, we will all experience shame in our lives. How we manage this is generally believed to be related to how we were helped to manage it in early childhood. In such instances, where the caregiver is able to sooth the child and is able to convey a distinction between the child's behaviour being wrong for them, as opposed to the child themselves, the child learns how to self sooth themselves in moments of shame. Where this distinction is rarely made and soothing rarely happens, this self soothing capacity is deficient - leaving the person struggling to deal with, and defending against, their sense of shame. This in turn can lead to us making decisions about ourselves, other people, and life, based on this sense of shame.

So, as a professional working with someone's shame - what are we doing? Some ways of working would focus on changing thought processes involved when we experience shame. Others look at the provision of an accepting relationship - looking to counteract the previous lack of soothing. And yet, others look at how these relational dynamics get re-enacted in the work, and understand how the therapist can be with the client, in order for them to find a new way of being. I believe that effective work probably involves all of these elements - enabling the person to make sense of what has happened within a safe and trusting relationship. A space in which they can have a different experience of getting it wrong for someone else, and where they are met with interest and not blame.

by Mark Head